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So a couple of days
ago, I read online that best man’s speeches should sing the praises of the
groom, and talk about his many plus points. Sorry to disappoint, but I can’t
sing, and I won’t lie. Also, nothing in my speech is original so if anyone is
offended, it is not my fault

For all of you who
may not know me, I’m joshua, (groom)’s best man. I must admit although I’m
irritated by this title of “best man”. Cause if I am the best man, then why is
(bride) marrying (groom)? So I guess I’m just a pretty good man, and today,
Garry’s the best man.

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In preparation for this day, I Googled “heartfelt best man
speech” and I found a website with thousands of different speech examples
that I could pay to see. But I’m cheap, so I’m just winging it.

I’ve known (groom) for a number of years. When people
suggest I’m something of a big brother figure to (groom), I humbly disagree. I
see myself as more of a father to him. After all, I’ve watched him suckle from
a bottle, seen him running about naked, I’ve dressed and undressed him, and
cleaned up after his mess.

Oh wait sorry I’ve forgotten, (groom) and (bride) told me
that there are some topics I should avoid in this speech so…throwing away cue cards one by
one (groom) is a great friend—the best I’ve got—and I’m very proud to
stand by his side today.

In truth, of the two of us (groom)’s always been the good
guy. He was a bright and hard-working student. He excelled at school, made it
into a top university, and later aced his pilot’s test for the RSAF. It was at
poly, of course, that (groom) first got close to (bride). I remember him
calling me up to say that he’d met this amazing girl. “she finally agrees to go
on a date with me” he told me, “she is the one.” “Are you sure?,” I replied,
“maybe she is just being kind and didn’t know how to reject you.”

But look at them now (bride) looking so beautiful and
(groom) still as ugly as ever

Now, despite the upheaval of the past few years, marriage is
still a sacred moment for(groom) it is a lifelong commitment. And after his
years of military service, he’s well suited to married life. He’s great at
taking orders, and he’s used to going for long periods without sex. Yeap I’m
sure of that, mind you. (bride)’s the one who brought out the romantic
in(groom). That’s true love for you.

So now it’s time for a little participation from the bride
and groom. (bride), if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table. Now (groom),
if you would place your hand directly on top of (bride)’s. Make the most of it,
bro. That’s the last time you’ll ever have the upper hand.

 Finally, before I
take my seat, it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the generous people
who have contributed to these festivities. With that, ladies and gentlemen,
please raise your glasses in a toast to the beautiful and handsome (groom) and


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